Harsh realities…
Since I was young I’ve never fantasized about having kids or what my family could look like. As I’ve gotten older and experienced life and people I realized not all people do and it’s not weird or abnormal. The one thing that has changed around my thoughts of kids is my fear. I have so many fears surrounded around having kids that have developed over time through life experiences. Between being a Black woman and not even making it through child birth and possibly having my child murdered at the hands of racist overzealous police, my thoughts and more specifically my fear, is overwhelming.
It’s hard for me to express because like most people I never want to feel like my decisions are guided or rooted in being afraid. But harsh realities are, that’s a norm for Black people. We go throughout life being on edge because of fear that we’ll be murdered. We re-consider children because of fear they’ll be murdered. And as people are continually murdered by police we reassess things and change behaviors. We tell ourselves that we’ll avoid that activity, or we tell our kids not to wear certain things. And honestly it’s so heavy and burdensome that we event have to do that.
In the meantime, what have white people done? What has been changed to dismantle white supremacy? How are they adjusting and changing things in their life? They aren’t. And that’s where they have me fucked up. There’s no consideration for Black people and the changes and adjustments we have to make to literally just EXIST.
In my darkest moments when I’m deep into my feelings I often take solace and refuge in music. Today I’m thinking about India Arie’s lyrics in “This Too Shall Pass”
“My ancestors whisper that this day will one day be the past,
So I walk in faith that this too shall pass,
I hear the angels whisper,
that trouble don't have to last always,
I hear the angels whisper,
Even the day after tomorrow will one day be yesterday”
Although cliche, her lyrics are very surreal in this moment. I keep reminding myself that better is possible, and this era while traumatic and stressful, will pass. I hope you will too.